I don't care who you are....farts are funny! Even the definition of a fart is comical!!!
fart (färt) Vulgar Slang
intr.v. fart·ed, fart·ing, farts
1: To expel intestinal gas through the anus; break wind.
2: To fool around; fritter time away.
n.
1:An often audible discharge of intestinal gas.
2:An annoying or foolish person.
Here are just a few examples of the type of farts out there....which one are you?
ELECTRICAL:Sound like they have some juice in them.
HYDRATED: The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing white trousers.
NOT NOW PLEASE!: You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).
WHO, ME?: You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
WAKER-UPPER: The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.
DIESEL: Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'
GUNSHOT: Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.
SQUEAKY: Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul
GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost): You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?
THE ATOM BOMB FART : The atom bomb fart is loud as heck, and it smells bad too. Also results in a big explosion, and everyone falls to the ground.
BARKING SPIDER FART : A non-smelling fart which occurs in a crowded place. The farter cannot be identified and the sound is therefore blamed on a 'Barking Spider'.
CHURCH HYMN FART : The kind where you're sitting in church, you bend over to pick up a hymn book, and -PBBBBBBT!!!- a giant fart rips out. Fate dictates that you are sitting next to an old lady, who will scoot down the bench, looking disgusted. (SIDE NOTE: Confucius say, Man Who Fart In Church, Sit In Own Pew.)
FLAPPING FLUTTER FART : This one's an earth shaker, but not too deadly on the odor side. It's distinguished by its long and loud flutter sound, and its marked vibrations are felt by all who are on the same bed or sofa.
ONE CHEEK SNEAK FART : This fart happens when you put your weight on one butt cheek and lift the other up. This is totally silent but often have disastrous results about two minutes later -everyone faints in that room
VIBRATING FART: The person sitting next to you can feel it!
THE TWIST-OF-FATE DOG FART: The dog lets a fart so big that everyone blames it on you!
WHO, ME?: You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
WAKER-UPPER: The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.
DIESEL: Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!'
GUNSHOT: Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.
SQUEAKY: Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul
GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost): You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?
THE ATOM BOMB FART : The atom bomb fart is loud as heck, and it smells bad too. Also results in a big explosion, and everyone falls to the ground.
BARKING SPIDER FART : A non-smelling fart which occurs in a crowded place. The farter cannot be identified and the sound is therefore blamed on a 'Barking Spider'.
CHURCH HYMN FART : The kind where you're sitting in church, you bend over to pick up a hymn book, and -PBBBBBBT!!!- a giant fart rips out. Fate dictates that you are sitting next to an old lady, who will scoot down the bench, looking disgusted. (SIDE NOTE: Confucius say, Man Who Fart In Church, Sit In Own Pew.)
FLAPPING FLUTTER FART : This one's an earth shaker, but not too deadly on the odor side. It's distinguished by its long and loud flutter sound, and its marked vibrations are felt by all who are on the same bed or sofa.
ONE CHEEK SNEAK FART : This fart happens when you put your weight on one butt cheek and lift the other up. This is totally silent but often have disastrous results about two minutes later -everyone faints in that room
VIBRATING FART: The person sitting next to you can feel it!
THE TWIST-OF-FATE DOG FART: The dog lets a fart so big that everyone blames it on you!
By the way if you don't believe me just check out this website!
